87 Judge much?
by Una Hearne.
Judging and criticising other people comes from deep insecurity about ourselves.
Now, I’m not talking about judging people appropriately for violence or abuse, that’s a different matter. I’m talking about judging and criticising others for stuff that’s none of our business to judge them for. For example: their opinions; thoughts; looks; habits; choices; background; actions… Ringing any bells?
I noticed this with a group of mothers recently. I’m not picking on mothers, it’s an example of something which is rampant across all our lives. So this group of moms discussed every aspect of child rearing and what their child is going through, and this was fantastic to see. Good mothers worry about getting it right. Talking about it, becoming confident in their choices and supporting each other is essential.
Yet I heard some of the mothers, criticising and undermining each other. Making different methods of feeding, discipline or education ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Each is only doing this because at some level they are trying to establish that they have made the ‘right’ choice. I have often heard working mothers criticising stay at home mothers and vice versa. The evidence shows neither choice is right or wrong. Mothers are a group who have huge responsibility and work long hours. Clearly a group which deserves support and encouragement. And yet a group which very often undermine each other most. This is NUTS.
Doing things differently, making different decisions to other people does not make one ‘right’ and one ‘wrong’. They can all be right and different.
When people feel a strong need to be ‘right’ it often leads them to try to establish that people doing things differently are ‘wrong’. This is simply insecurity, a lack of confidence in their own choices, in themselves. People who are secure about themselves and make choices based on what is right for them make better parents… and teachers, friends, colleagues, managers, lovers, artists, business people, doctors… yes, everything. Better versions of themselves. There are a million different versions of ‘right’. Learning to appreciate them all and trust your own judgement for yourself is a key to real happiness.
And here is the bottom line: if everyone supported each other’s choices, we would all have the freedom to choose what is right for us as individuals. This encourages authenticity and diversity – very good for individuals and very good for society.
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