Una's Blog


Una’s little world 23. Your Tribe

by Una Hearne.

I love the idea of ‘Tribe’. It’s as relevant today as it was when there was only a few thousand of us on the planet.

Tribe matters. We need to belong to other people. It’s built into our DNA and it protects us. Tribe used to be relatively simple – it was the extended family you were born into and only changed if maybe you left and joined another tribe.

It’s a little more complex in the modern world. For a start, we are packed into cities and towns, rarely isolated by distance. We live twice as long, we travel a lot more and we have created millions of different jobs and professions – which we can flit around at will. In our ordinary life we meet many more people than our ancestors would. It is common for us to belong to multiple tribes now, based on social bonds, work and common interests. Isn’t it marvellous?

Of course there is a trade-off. You can’t belong to multiple tribes and give them all the same time and attention as our ancestors would naturally have had together. A very common theme I deal with in coaching, is clients who feel guilty for not staying in contact with people or not spending enough time with them. When we dig into it, turns out it’s not because they can’t be bothered or aren’t making enough of an effort, it’s because they have been busy living. When I ask what they would have dropped to keep up with friends or family, sometimes they will say they wished they had worked less or spent less time with people that ultimately didn’t matter to them. But just as often it turns out they would make the same choices again. On balance, they did choose what they wanted most.

And that’s the secret (it’s not a secret). You get to choose your tribes and what kind of time – quality and quantity – you spend with them. Yes, more choice does mean more responsibility. Your welcome/ I’m sorry. 🙂

Choose to spend your time and energy with people who make your life better for having them in it. People who make your feel good about you, people who bring love, laughter, learning and support. People who want to spend time with you as much as you want to spend time with them.

Don’t waste any time chasing people who aren’t really into you or don’t have time for you. Don’t take it personally, it’s just they are not meant to be in your life right now and that’s OK.

As for people who drain your energy, use or abuse you – let them go immediately. We often think we ‘should’ spend time with people who need/want us, or are family, or in some way make us feel responsible for them. This rarely works out well for either party and tends to lead to resentment, anger and wasted life. It is better for you and them if you let go with love. Genuinely wish them well, wish them all the happiness in the world and let them go.

The people in your life make it heaven or hell. Your choice.




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